- “Everything you say and do can, and will, be used against you…in life”
- “What you choose to do, say, or think, are seeds for tomorrow.”
- “You reach your goals only when your life ends because goals are simply stepping stones that make up a life journey.”
These are a few of life’s pearls of wisdom I’d pass on to my younger self. If I could whisper in her ear I’d tell her to pay attention to the little, daily decisions – and keep going when I fall into a pit, because I most certainly will. Perhaps I did speak such things to myself, or Someone did.
We all fall, some harder than others. At times, it’s my own folly. Other times, it’s at the hands of others. Either way, all of us find ourselves stuck in a pit or two (or more) during the course of waking and sleeping.
As much as I did everything to prepare my own son to avoid pits and to grow up happier and better adapted to life than I was by helping him keep his feet grounded on a secure path, he still found (and is finding more) his own pits. And so, my son starts the long, arduous life journey of waking, sleeping, falling, getting up, and wondering if life holds any meaning for him – and where he fits in all of it.
A question asked by all, without exception, early in life yet—truthfully—few ever settle on the answer. Diving into a variety of philosophies, industries, movements, and causes, we look for the place where we belong. Few )despite their outward presentation) every encounter the rest that settles over our soul like the still waters of a lake in the early morning dawn.
I suppose we feel as if to find our place or accomplish the tasks for which we were created, it entails making a mark that is remembered for centuries to come. A big splash in a bigger world. And so, we look up to and admire, those with names on buildings, monuments, and screens—wondering at the same time, “Where does my name belong?”.
As I’ve finished the first half of a century and march into the second, it is clear to me that it’s not the big impressions that matter, the number of friends or followers of our thought or life, but understanding that the smallest choices we make each day have a far greater impact than we (I) ever imagined. And so, while I spent the first five decades of life looking for grand revelations, opportunities, world-changing dreams, and visions, now I’ve narrowed my focus, like a laser, on the smallest choices made in a day. For it is in the mundane, the seemingly unimportant details of the in-between morning and night, waking and sleeping, that weaves a life of either depth and meaning, purposes fulfilled, or – a life lost.
Last night and tonight I sit watching the LOTR and Hobbit trilogies for at least the 200th time. At least. And yet, in this latest viewing, I caught more details and unheard lines than I’ve ever had before. I cried, again, as Frodo and Gandalf bid their final farewells to Same, Merry, and Pippin. I sat astonished by the conversation between Gandalf and Radagast as Gandalf intended to rejoin the dwarf’s quest to reclaim the Lonely Mountain. Radagast challenged him by telling Gandalf he had a greater responsibility to save the world—not just his friends. (I literally had never heard that conversation before!). And, again, it reminded me of what I’ve been pondering…that life is woven, formed, baked, and hardened not by the great, but by the small. The small choices that lead to great exploits. Some see, some unseen.
While I watched the movies, full of adventure and fantasy that inspire anyone with an ounce of imagination to desire to be part of the story, I also had on the table in from of me a book that was quite the opposite. A book that, as it turned out, inspired me even more than my favorite movies. A book about nothing—but also about everything. It is now part of a growing collection of such works which include Jayber Crow by Wendell Barry; tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom; and Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. Stories that, as you read, you wonder as to the point the author is making. The reader waits for a climax or unsuspecting plot twist that never comes. No. These books just are. Meaning, they are like real life. You turn the page and sometimes there’s drama but most of the time it’s just another page. And of any drama to be found, it’s incredibly…normal.
For those seeking entertainment, action, or adventure, they may never make it past a few chapters or even a few pages. But for those that are somehow drawn to more; to the depths and riches the masses know not of, you keep reading. And, it isn’t until the very end, when you close the back cover, the story ending on an incredibly normal event that fades out like the last ember from a days-old campfire, that you wonder at how simple and normal and plain the story was, but something in your soul is stirring. Stirring to the point that you can’t stop thinking about how beautiful of a book you hold in your hand.
Then it hits: your life is beautiful.
You see it now. With all the jagged pieces, missed opportunities, or exciting ones that turned into nothing, you also see the little steps, the boring responsibilities, relationships, obligations, and duties that you tried so hard to run away from are the very aspects and pieces of you that made a beautiful life.
It makes me think of a vehicle I once owned; I called it “Old Man Tan”. I hated the color. I preferred a sleep black or maybe a white car. But during test driving, the Old Man Tan could not be compared. And so, I settled on the Old Man Tan and, looking back, long after I had to sell that marvelous vehicle to feed myself and my son, I can say that I loved that car and it served me well.
Not everything in or part of our life has to be lovely to make our whole life beautiful. Along the way, we pick up relationships and circumstances that stay with us like a regrettable tattoo. But that regrettable part of us does not make all of us.
I’ve been given three chances to choose a spouse to share my life with. Each of those choices was regrettable in different ways and I never was able to share my life, but rather, had to protect it (in a variety of ways). Choices that dramatically altered the course of my life and my family. Choices that altered the course of the lives of those men I chose—and then unchose. Two covenants I ended, one I kept and adapted as best as I could.
But that’s the crux of life, figuring out how best to live within situations and circumstances we find ourselves. Sometimes we go, sometimes we stay. Other people doubting and criticizing no matter what choice is made.
Choices. Yes. The world, our life is made up of choices. Little choices. Turning right instead of left may lead us into—or away from—an accident. Answering a phone call, or ignoring it, may make or break a new business (I’ve seen it). It’s impossible to fully know the consequences of a choice, but one thing is for sure; the fear of making a choice is a choice in and of itself—and the worse one we can make. Choices give us freedom. When we don’t make a choice, one is made for us, and that makes us a prisoner. I’ll take the risk and danger of a bad choice any day over the control and slavery of none.
While one must be guarded from the fear of a decision, on the opposite side, but with the same consequences, are choices made without regard. To imagine one’s life as a capsule, a matrix of its own making with no impact on the world around, or not caring about that impact, has disastrous consequences. Yet, sometimes we understand that we must make a choice that will ripple undesirable feelings and circumstances to another, and, with that, we must not fear, nor should we not fall into apathy. It is the ecosystem we exist within—that a choice by me will result in a consequence for you, and to which, you must respond with a choice of your own that also will impact someone else.
There are five children in existence today (that I know of) that would not be alive if I had not made the decision to end a marriage. Those five children will grow up to impact the world in their own way, have children of their own, and so on. At times, I wonder at it all. To be fair, the decision to end a marriage was not entirely mine. My choice to end a marriage was a response to poor choices on the part of my spouse(s). And their choices are a direct or indirect result of circumstantial or personal interactions in their past; each decision unravels, like a loose thread hanging from a sleeve, to other choices by those before us until we get back all the way to Adam and Eve, a garden, a snake, and a God who created it all.
And that brings it back to you, me, and our incredibly normal lives. Normal comings and goings that move the world like perpetually, infinitely-connected cogs in a ginormous wheel so large our minds cannot conceive it. I am one tooth on one cog that touches another and another and another—until one day I will fall off. But there will be another that is added to the mix and so nothing misses a beat and I’ll be forgotten. Nevertheless, I will have done my part and turned some wheels—for better or worse.