Today I read an email that hurt my heart.
It made me think about Kindness. A single word that we all use but I wonder, Do we know kindness? Do we know how to use words to express kindness?
People slash each other with careless words.
“Thank you”, “Please”, “Do you mind?”, “If you’d be so kind…”, “May I ask…”, – these have all but disappeared from today’s language.
When we don’t get what we want, when we think we should get it, we throw a fit and call people names.
Why are we so mean?
Many years ago, I was clipping my nails while talking with my then-husband. I had just finished dusting the room and was getting ready to vacuum so I didn’t mind as I let the clippings fall to the ground. This is not normally something I do but since I was about to vacuum…
My then-husband paused, and began to ridicule me saying that since I let my nail clippings fall to the ground it revealed to him that I was either:
- A Slob
- Selfish or
- Stupid
(I still think of them as “The Three S’s”). Even with my explanation that I was about to vacuum, he doubled down and let me know, with no uncertainty, that my character and value as a person were in question. Keep in mind I kept a tidy & clean home yet I heard daily how he thought I was a slob (For him, my housekeeping wasn’t good enough. He literally demanded that it always look like – and I quote – “A model home”). If my towel in the bathroom was crooked, I was a slob; if my toddler dropped a noodle on the floor and I didn’t pick it up immediately – a slob. If I happened to leave a tissue in the side of the car door – yep, I was a slob. During our few years together, I was in nearly constant tears from his eager and easy stream of belittling words (even developing serious health issues from the intense stress).
Why are we so mean to those we claim to love?
Then today I read an email from another family member that made my stomach twist in knots, getting the same sick feeling as I would with my now ex-husband.
About a month ago, this person contacted me for a favor. I hadn’t spoken to them in quite some time but was glad to reconnect and looked forward to catching up. In the initial call, I attempted pleasantries and asked questions, but they redirected the conversation to short and matter-of-fact words regarding what they needed. I agreed to help them secure what they were looking for and then extended an invitation to have them over to my home for a meal since they would be coming out our direction in the coming months. They changed the subject (I took that as a “no”). I was sad but moved on. They quickly ended the conversation, never once asking me how I was or what was going on in my life.
A couple of weeks later I received a text from the same relative. Again, no pleasantries or even “I have a question” but it was abrupt, accusatory, and rude. It caught me off-guard. Really, all they needed was to ask a simple question. From the first word, they expressed disappointment in me. A question was never asked, though it was clearly implied. I wondered why they had to be mean, why not just say, “Hi, I have a question.”?
The lack of personal connection and terse words stung but I kindly referred my relative to the person that had the answer to their question. I thought that was the end of it. Then, a few days later we received an ugly email from the same relative. They didn’t like the response they got before. They insinuated we took their money, of being unreliable, they expressed their disappointment (again), that there must be a spiritual “hold” in our lives (in a negative way), and how they wish they had never asked us for a favor. Then they threatened to involve my dad. It was a very extreme and unnecessary email and so puzzling. The reason for their disappointment? We weren’t moving fast enough in sorting out all the details of this favor.
I understand the eagerness we feel when trying to make plans but I don’t understand unkindness.
This person could have said something like, “Hey…how are you? We sure appreciate you doing this for us. This is a huge blessing. I have a question – just so we’re on the same page…do you know when you’ll get that document?”.
Wow. That would have gone a long way. I had no idea they were over-the-top stressed out over this situation. We went from all is calm to nuclear in one jump.
Reading the swift criticisms and harsh words was like a paper cut to my heart. I hadn’t had much connection with this relative over the last 15 years because of my divorce (they didn’t agree with it).
When we have seen each other over the years, it’s been polite but awkward. Conversations were one-sided and required much effort.
Since my divorce, it’s the same with all my relatives. I pretend I don’t notice, smile, and make attempts in conversation as if I was oblivious to their disdain. The last I saw most of my family was at a funeral earlier this year; their response to my presence was a few degrees south of lukewarm.
Maybe that’s why this recent interaction stung again. It’s been 15 years since my divorce yet I remain an outcast.
And it made me realize I had no value in their eyes.
This particular relative did, indeed, involve my dad, who called and asked what was going on. I mentioned it was sorted out but that this relative had been rude. Immediately I was dismissed, “That doesn’t make any sense. That’s not who they are!”. Knowing he would not accept my version of the story, I changed the subject to the weather or something unimportant.
In the back of my mind, I wondered who I was in my dad’s eyes.
Do we, as a society, consider how we view others and how that impacts our interactions? It seems that, more often than not, we think we’re kind, but we’re really not.
My family doesn’t see their rudeness. I wonder, am I sometimes unkind, and do I see it?
We don’t have to like people to be kind.
I get it – much of my family does not like me – mainly from my last divorce. My family felt hurt and betrayed by my divorce. They all thought I had the duty to stay in the marriage. I didn’t agree and so they saw me as the source of their pain…
…but don’t I deserve kindness, simply as a human being?
Going back to my recent encounter with this relative: Was it not enough to simply ask a question? Why go to the trouble of personal attacks in order to manipulate and force us to do something that was already happening? We didn’t do anything wrong – we just didn’t do it the way THEY wanted it done. Fine. I understand their frustration, but must we also be cutting and cruel in our words? It’s completely unnecessary.
Love is kind.
If someone is unable to be kind, it’s a sign they lack love. We lack love when we can’t see value in another person – people become nothing more than an annoyance and frustration.
For my part, I didn’t acknowledge the unkind words in either instance but instead expressed my sincere desire that they get all that they wanted and then blessed them.
Did I want to say more? Yes.
I wanted to tell this relative how much my heart was hurting. That I didn’t like the character assassination, humiliation, and harsh words. I wanted to tell them that this favor wasn’t worth taking an already distanced relationship and making it so awkward and strained that we probably won’t be able to be in the same room with them again.
We helped them get something they wanted, with no benefit to us. In fact, we are left with an irreparably strained relationship unless they apologize (which we will eagerly and readily accept).
But they won’t.
It’s clear I remain so little in their eyes.
The good in all of this is it is making me consider the words I speak to others.
I’ve come a long way over the years in how I speak to others, but the one area I haven’t done well with is in regards to speaking with customer service representatives on the phone. Admittedly, I’ve been terse in my attitude and words. I’d probably get much farther in resolving issues with kindness and patience, remembering that the voice on the other end of the line, or the person on the chat box, is a real person. Someone who brushes their teeth, goes to sleep, laughs, and maybe even cries after work. Am I the source of some of their tears?
I hope I never crush another person with my words but instead remember that life and death are on my tongue; that what comes out of my mouth, and how it comes out, can either crush someone’s heart or lift it.
Some would say that the fact I’m hurt by this recent interaction only reveals my own bitterness and unhealed wounds. I would argue otherwise. It only reveals my longing to be restored to my family – otherwise, it wouldn’t have hurt my hope. It should be sad. It SHOULD be painful. If it wasn’t and I was bitter, I’d spew my own anger and vitriol back at them. This blog, which I write in a pen name, is a safe way to process my thoughts and meditate on the lessons learned. Sharing my trials and experiences with you might benefit you – maybe it will help you in your own relationships.
I won’t remain in grief. I didn’t before. I’ll move on, but I need a few moments for my heart to grieve that my family isn’t much of a family. That the people who are supposed to be my greatest support are my loudest critics. And it most likely won’t change.
That is truly sad. And that is healthy and normal. And I forgive them and pray for favor and blessings in their life.